Kisses Can Kill

"I lied. I'm not out of this relationship. I'm in. I'm so in it's humiliating because here I am begging... Okay, here it is. Your choice? It's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she's really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend-to-like-your-taste-in-music-let-you-eat-the-last-piece-of-cheesecake-hold-a-radio-over-my-head-outside-your-window unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me." - Meredith Grey, M.D.

Not only have I proven how stubborn I can be, I also realized I am a very likely candidate for cuckoo academy. Common sense cannot be bought and it cannot be equated with coup de foudre or that of a coeur idiot. And I am obviously under its deadly spell. One cannot help but think why such incidence of stupidity occur among people with less tolerance for sweet nothings and tender kisses. Now I understand why. Now I get it. Now I don't know what to do with it.

I've decided to give it up so many times and promised myself to kill whatever was left of it. Yeah right! Talk about insanity! The more I try to drive it away, the more it returns to me. The more I try to uncomplicate it, the more I believe its clarity, The more I try to reason with my overly-unreasonable-heart, the more I understand why it had to happen. The more I insist that I'm over it, the deeper I fall. The more I see the real you, the more I want to be your friend. The more I prolong the agony, the easier it is to let go. How very ironic.

But then again, all these are just words. There's just not enough words to describe it, to understand it, to analyze it and to resolve it. No matter how hard I try these days, I can't turn it off just like that. Maybe after a couple of months, maybe not.

Yes, I'm back to my favorite addiction and it has got to stop now. Somebody just drive a stake into my heart. Perhaps that would stop the bleeding and the beating.